The Tortured Poets of Stars Hollow
The characters of Gilmore Girls would identify with these new songs from Taylor Swift’s newest release
Taylor Swift released her eleventh studio album, The Tortured Poets Department, recently and here at rmrk*st, we’ve got it playing on repeat. But we also wondered what our favorite Stars Hollow residents would think of Taylor’s latest release (and let’s be honest: that title suits both Lane and Rory perfectly, given their love for tortured musicians and poets). Like we did with Gilmore characters and their suited Eras, here’s what songs from TTPD we think the characters of Gilmore Girls would be obsessing over. We also have to wonder: under which floorboard Lane would hide this one?
Rory, “The Bolter”
“I got kissed….and I shoplifted!” Rory says as she holds up a box of cornstarch in front of Lane. She just…bolted from Doose’s Market after new boy Dean kissed her on Aisle 3, near the ant spray, a “good aisle.” Later Rory will say “thank you” when Dean tells her he loves her. She’s definitely often running away from moments like these, so she’d identify with “The Bolter.”
Michel, “Fortnight”
Our favorite disgruntled French concierge would probably relate to “I Hate It Here.” But one listen to the line, “All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless February” from “Fortnight,” and it sounds just like Michel on any given day at the inn. When he says, “People are particularly stupid today. I can’t talk to any more of them,” we might as well imagine him trapped in the stark white room from the song’s music video.
Paris Geller, “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?”
Who’s afraid of Paris Geller? Well…everyone, really. And we should be. But we know she’d love this anthem dedicated to women who have been kept down and emerge victorious every time through sheer will and dedication. We’re reminded of members of the U.S. Congress dodging Paris during a student luncheon…
Jess and Rory, “The Tortured Poets Department”
She made him read Ayn Rand; he made her read Kerouac. Even showing up in a leather motorcycle jacket gave us all the impression that Jess had his own tortured poet thing going on. And when he left notes in the margin of Rory’s copy of Howl, claiming to have read it “about 40 times,” the image was solidified. The line “You’re not Dylan Thomas, I’m not Patti Smith. This ain’t the Chelsea hotel, we’re modern idiots” feels perfect for Rory and Jess. They seem to identify with these tortured poets of the past, but they’re just teenagers trying to find their way.
Luke, “I Hate It Here”
Luke’s entire vibe during all seven seasons of the show is “I hate it here.” We think his hatred peaks during any town meeting where Taylor has been talking for more than twenty minutes. Are the “secret gardens in [his] mind” the local fishing hole, or the diner owned by Maisie and Buddy? Poor Luke. He’s a tortured poet too.
Madeline and Louise, “Florida!!!”
We know our favorite Chilton alums and professional Spring Breakers would love “Florida!!!” They give new meaning to the lyric, “your home’s really only a town you're just a guest in,” since they spend multiple Spring Breaks on the beach in Florida and have no intentions of leaving anytime soon.
Emily Gilmore, “Down Bad”
Oh, the joy the fandom collectively felt when we heard Emily Gilmore use the “F” word in Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. Why? Because Emily Gilmore has always wanted to say it, and we can tell. The Gilmore matriarch always expects to get her way, but despite that, she sacrifices a lot for her family. Sometimes, though, that sacrifice goes unnoticed, taken for granted. When Emily and Richard are fighting over another woman, she loses it completely (which is so much fun). “I might not just get up, I might stay down bad/Everything comes out teenage petulance”...try to hear that line and not think of Emily dressed in her robe, drinking martinis in the middle of the day, sprawled on the living room couch usually reserved for guests. We love that Taylor says the “F” word a lot in the chorus of this song, because when you feel like you’ve given it your all and you still can’t win, acting like a petulant teenager feels pretty apt.
The Townies, “I Look In People’s Windows”
Some of our favorite characters are the Stars Hollow townies like Miss Patty, Babette, Gypsy, Bootsy, and Andrew. They give the town that quirky personality that is hard to resist. But by nature, the townies are a bit…nosy. From everyone knowing Christopher’s name within moments of his first visit to Stars Hollow, to passing along the news that Lorelai and Max’s wedding was off in record time, the townies can be counted on to be up on the gossip. We literally see them peeking into windows several times in the series, so this song would definitely be one of their faves.
Kirk Gleason, “But Daddy I Love Him!”
Hear us out…remember “A Film By Kirk”? Of course you do. We definitely think Kirk would try to wrestle the rights from Ms. Swift to use this song in the credits of his short film about a woman in love, much to her father’s chagrin. Who is Kirk to love this man’s favorite daughter?! He has nothing to offer her! Well, he has good taste…and excellent dance moves.
Dave & Lane, “The Alchemy”
When Lane meets Dave, she’s bowled over. And when it seems he might actually like her back, it’s undeniable: first love is chemistry. It’s alchemy. Before Dave Rygalski, Lane had crushes on boys who she never really got enough from: Rich Blumenfeld with the great hair, Dean’s friend Todd who wears his sister’s band t-shirts (“whatever…”) and Henry Cho who clearly liked her but couldn't seem to ever take her on a date…so that it finally starts to work out with Dave feels very “this happens once every few lifetimes.”
Rory, “Fresh Out of the Slammer”
Look, we all do unhinged things when we’re depressed or disappointed or hurt. Taylor Swift writes a double album. Rory Gilmore…steals a boat. So while Taylor’s jail time is always metaphoric (“Burton to this Taylor,” “I was supposed to be sent away,” etc.), Rory’s jail time is…literal. Fresh out the slammer, she’s picked up by Lorelai, and must endure a bit of post-jail mocking from her mom.
Rory & Logan, “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”
If you’re like us, you were shocked to see Rory waking up next to Logan in Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. Didn’t she break up with him at the end of Season 7 after she turned down his proposal? How very “Champagne Problems”... But here they are, years later, entwined in each others’ lives again. It seems Rory keeps going back to Logan with a certain hope: she can fix whatever it is that’s broken between them, or make up for turning him down in the first place. But the timing is off, of course. Still, we love Rory for trying to make this work.
Lorelai, “Guilty As Sin”
At the end of Season 7, Lorelai is contemplating her relationships. And the literal town hay bale maze has her in a maze of her own thoughts. “One slip and fall back into the hedge maze…” is she falling back into an old relationship? Someone she meets in the maze itself, perhaps? We know the answer, and you do too.
Rory and Lorelai, “The Manuscript”
Taylor Swift leaves her fans with a gorgeous metaphor at the end of The Tortured Poets Department: the manuscript is the culmination of her experiences; it’s what makes up her music catalog. Similarly, at the end of Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, struggling writer Rory finally finds her voice and puts together the story of her life with her mom. Just as fans realized at the end of TTPD that everything they’ve heard over ten eras is Taylor’s manuscript, we learn at the end of Gilmore Girls that Rory has written it all down. And, unlike Taylor, she drops the “The,” because it’s cleaner.
What songs do you think the Stars Hollow residents and Gilmore Girls characters would love? Tell us in the comments!
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